DAY 12: DEAR SO AND SO

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." ~Eleanor Roosevelt

Today's letter is for the person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain. Oh boy. Brad Paisley had a cutesy song out a few years ago with this same sort of theme. Somehow, I just don't see this letter working out like that. If you didn't see where this letter was going before, I bet you can see where this is going now...

Dear Me,

You have always been ambivalent about that Eleanor Roosevelt quote, haven't you? Why? Because you have felt its truth since the seventh grade. Wouldn't you love to say that the person who caused you the most pain in junior high school was your bully? Yes, I would love to say that. Now you know that all it would have taken is laughing in her face one time and your pain would have ended; you could have taken back your power at any time. That hurts doesn't it. Like a snake bite. Yes, it hurts. And those people in gym who knocked you down going for the ball. You could have been prepared and purposely ran into them instead. Gone offensive instead of playing defensive. You allowed them to make you feel inferior. That stings doesn't it? Like the bites of a hundred bees... all at once. It set you on this course of reactive behavior instead of proactive behavior. Has that been helpful to you? No, it has really sucked. How bad? Like a bottle of tequila with lemons. And all of the puking that comes after. It's terrible going down and disgusting on the return trip. Yeah, that is pretty bad. It's even worse if it's on the floor of a dirty bathroom that isn't yours into a toilet that hasn't been cleaned in... shall we say, too long. I remember. How can you forget? It's burned into your brain like a brand. Okay, got it.

How has this worked out for you in your relationships? Well, that is how the tequila came into play. Right. Alcoholic therapy for bad relationship mistakes. And there were lots of these? Oh yeah. A lot of them with the same person. Over and over. And why did you do this? Because you loved him. And he kept coming and going. There was a lot of going, which led to a lot of drinking. And then there was just the incidental drinking with friends. Can't blame it all on the boyfriends. So, we are now in a pattern of thinking that love = leaving. That is not very healthy, Robin. No, but it is the only love I have known. You do know that you must break this pattern. I think that I have finally done that. It has taken an excessively long amount of time to convince my brain that love does not in fact = leaving. But, I think I am there. I think that is why Mr. Electric came along. I really loved him and he emotionally left four years ago. It took me four years to finally convince myself that he really does not love me, and that love did not = leaving. And I let him go. Leaving is, in fact, leaving. I know four years is a long time, but reality has set in. I am not waiting for him to call anymore.

Well, Mr. Electric is the tip of your relationship iceberg mistakes. *sigh* I have spent years some time thinking about The Operator and Flash and where I went wrong. I think I have narrowed it down to the most important points. Both of these men were good talkers. In fact, I think that they have sold themselves a false bill of goods on some of their own baggage, because they are convincing. I know that everyone puts their best foot forward when they meet someone for the first time. No one is going to meet someone and open with their worst stuff, but eventually you have to share the *not so great stuff about you* and hope that the other stuff compensates. These guys both presented a facade that simply wasn't true, but was very attractive. Each time the facade cracked and the "real" person showed through, it left me scratching my head. They quickly realized what they had done and did damage control. However, I was soon asking myself the Million Dollar Question. Is the real guy behind Door #1 or Door #2? You want the real guy to be the one you are falling in love with, the good guy, the one behind Door #1, so you sell yourself a false bill of goods.

When you learned that the guy was behind Door #2 it took you way too long to leave in both instances. You cannot afford to sell yourself on Door #2 ever again. The longer you stay, the worse it gets. I hope you learned this lesson, because I am not sure you can stand another round: your feelings are important. Do not allow yourself to be manipulated into staying in a relationship that you know is bad for you, because someone else says that they want or need you. Do not listen if they say that you are responsible for their future actions if you leave. You are not. That is wrong. The only person you are responsible to take care of is you. Someone who would say that to you is deceitful and doesn't really care about you. Run, do not walk away from this relationship.

Robin, every person who has done you damage has been able to do it because you didn't pay attention to your gut. Your brain was screaming *danger* and you just kept walking into the fire. You have amazing intuition and you didn't listen to it. If you are in a relationship with a friend, or with someone that you hope turns into something more, listen to your instincts. They won't steer you wrong.

When you do find people who give as much as you do into a relationship, be it a friendship, or the "other" kind, do not be afraid to love with an open hand and heart. Those are the people who are worth your time and your effort. Don't allow the pain of past relationships to destroy the relationships you have yet to build. People who care and give as much as you do are worth it. Don't forget that.

Love,
Me


image filched from Miss Angie at My So-Called Chaos